Choosing The Right Mate

A few couples I know have broken up recently, and I spent the very beginning of church yesterday outside trying to console a broken hearted girl I didn’t even know so I really feel compelled to devote the whole post to this today. I want to begin with a disclaimer. When I refer to my own past it’s purely for lessons-learned’ sake. I’m well aware that I’m not perfect and I wish nothing but great things for all of my exes. I should’ve taken longer getting to know them and/or not have ignored red flags that warned we weren’t right for each other. I’m only offering my mistakes here to help others avoid the same pitfalls.

I personally tend to stay single for long periods of time and I get questions or comments about this topic a LOT. In my dating life I’ve chosen hastily many times and things usually didn’t end well, which is precisely why I always seem to follow up with looong periods of singledom, lol. You have to take your time and choose carefully. My mistakes in this area have led me to be more patient though (patience is VERY important!), and to diligently seek wisdom from God on the matter. So with that in mind I will venture a few pieces of advice.

First off I strongly recommend NOT pursuing someone who doesn’t share your faith. The bible says that “good and bad do not belong together”, that “light and darkness cannot share together.” I’ve been with people who had no interest in my faith, or they claimed to but in reality they didn’t want to LIVE it with me. These instances always ended in sad disaster so I really urge you to choose wisely in this respect. And I mean this whether you’re Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, atheist, whatever. You will find way more peace and harmony if you couple with someone who practices the same belief system.

Another thing the bible is jam-packed full of is caution against being with temperamental people. Regarding a potential mate I’ve learned to pray first and foremost that she be emotionally stable and a positive influence. The bible is very clear and has many warnings about this so I’m just going to share a couple of my favorites. “It is better to live alone in the desert than with a quarreling and complaining wife.” … “Charm is deceptive and beauty can trick you but a woman who respects the Lord should be praised.”

Though I’ve significantly reduced my time on Facebook I still agree that it can serve as a good tool if used responsibly. I know someone who’s friend list fluctuates quite a bit so I asked her one time why this was and turns out she belongs to a dating site. She friend-requests someone in order to go back through their timeline and ‘investigate’ them – if they meet her standard they stay and if not, she deletes them immediately. I find that amusing, and pretty crafty. Many employers search this when considering a potential employee so why not when searching for a potential mate?

Watch what people post; if they air their dirty laundry, what types of things they share/like, if they celebrate their dysfunction instead of attempting to improve the behavior they themselves just admitted was wrong. My point is, there’s a lot of heads up about people if you only pay attention. If you’re honest with yourself, there’s a thought that pops in your head with everything you see on Facebook – whether it gives you a good impression of the person, or a bad one. I know I’ve deleted plenty of people, or at least unchecked them from my newsfeed when they clutter it with inflammatory or negative junk.

That brings me back to my original point (stupid ADD! lol). God doesn’t want you to be lonely. In fact, He hardwired us with a deep-seated need to love and be loved. He supplies helper mates in the animal kingdom and He calls us His masterpiece so of course He wants to provide a “helper mate” for each of us. The bible says that finding a wife is a good thing and that when you walk uprightly in God’s name you will lack no good thing. But, He also doesn’t want you to be with someone who causes you pain or prevents you from fulfilling His plan for your life.

So if you’re being abused, either physically or verbally, know that is NOT love, my friend! Saying they love you means nothing if their actions don’t prove it. "But they only mistreat me when they get drunk" ... "But they only mistreat me when they get angry." No, that's not love either. I’m all for hanging in there and doing the work to mend relationships but you have to know when staying is hurting more than helping. You have to trust that either God will help you fix it OR He will guide you to a better partner. He won’t let you settle for less than His best and THANK HIM for that. He is a loving Parent and that means He wants to bless you with someone who values, respects, and celebrates you. Give your situation to God and let Him develop you and direct you to that amazing relationship you’re seeking!